Tips for Choosing a Dominatrix


Photo by Four Teeth Studios. July 2021.

It's not uncommon to get nervous about hiring a professional Dominatrix. After all, horror stories abound online of submissives getting their deposits stolen, falling for catfish accounts, and booking Mistresses who misrepresented themselves. Often, these situations are rife with red flags from the start, but what good is a red flag if you don't know how to identify it? As a Dominatrix, not only am I often asked to prove my legitimacy to submissives wary of being scammed, but I'm also the only person many submissives can talk to when they've had a bad experience. Below, I've listed common red flags to watch out for when booking a Mistress. Many of these are observations I've made over the years, and a number were sourced from other professional Mistresses on a Twitter thread I started a few weeks back.


Note that while some of these points are applicable to finding a Dominatrix for virtual play, you'll likely find this guide most helpful if you're looking for real-time play at a dungeon.


First and foremost, when researching a Mistress, always keep the following in mind:

  • If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

  • If something seems off, it probably is.

  • Think with your head, not with your genitals. I've lost track of the number of submissives I've spoken to who admitted to overlooking blatant red flags simply because they were horny.

  • A reputable Mistress will never contact you first. For more on this topic, read my blog, Are You Being Scammed?

With that out of the way, let's get to the good stuff!

Ads, Screening, and Rates

Look For:

  • Paid advertising. A small number of reputable sites allow for free ads, like Dickie Virgin and Tryst. However, most others, like Eros, require payment. Paid advertising signals a Mistress is confident she'll recover her investment, and while plenty of us use free ad boards, we typically use them in conjunction with paid ads elsewhere. If a Mistress only posts on free ad boards, it could be a sign of inexperience.

  • An online presence besides the ad, like a website and social media.

Watch Out For:

  • Active ads in multiple cities with no mention of touring. Many of us travel across the country to take sessions, but we always explicitly mention when we'll be somewhere. Ads bring session inquiries, and there's no sense in fielding requests from submissives in cities we won't even visit.

  • Suspiciously low rates. What a Mistress decides to charge for her time is her own business, but if the average rate in your city starts at $400 per hour, something's probably off if a Mistress who claims 20 years of experience and a private, 2,500 sq. ft. dungeon is charging $200.

Remember:

  • Paid ads don't guarantee legitimacy. Don't let a false sense of security cause you to overlook red flags. Scammers pay for ads, too.

  • Not all Mistresses post their rates.

  • Screening is normal. Many of us require personal information, like your legal name, before confirming your booking.

  • Deposits are normal. Many of us won't allow you to book unless you submit a deposit first. Deposit method and size varies per Mistress, so it's not always a red flag for her to require a large deposit-- for years, I required a nonrefundable 50% upfront.

Website

Look For:

  • A private domain. Considering domains can be purchased for as little as $1 per month, there's no reason for an established Mistress to point you to a website with a clunky domain like exoticpurplemango1986.myfreewebsite.com/MistressSusie420x69/my-home-page

  • Lots of information. At the bare minimum, our sites cover our interests and booking protocol. Most sites also link to other places to find us, like our social media.

  • A clean, logical site design. In addition to providing as much information upfront as possible, we do our best to make sure it's easy to find.

Watch Out For:

  • Generic stock photos. There's no need for an established Dominatrix to decorate her site with stock photos of Louboutins, fuzzy handcuffs, or men in suits.

  • Inconsistent spelling. Typos happen, but it's not the best sign if a Mistress can't even spell her own name consistently.

  • Inconsistent writing style. Spelling, grammatical, and stylistic inconsistencies from one section of her site to the next may indicate she stole some of her copy from another Mistress.

  • Incorrect links. See above. Any exterior links on her website should point to her own clip sites, phone domination lines, etc. and not those of another Mistress.

Remember:

  • Web design takes time and money. Not everyone can afford a professional web designer, and not everyone has time to learn how to navigate point-and-click design platforms like Wix and Squarespace. Just because a site is clunky or looks better on desktop than mobile doesn't mean the Mistress isn't legitimate. She could simply have other priorities.

  • Some Mistresses purposefully keep their sites vague in an attempt to avoid implicating themselves should they ever be outed in their vanilla lives or have a run-in with the law.

  • Domain history can only tell you so much. Domain history databases like WHOIS aren't a surefire way of gauging a Domina's legitimacy or experience level. If a Mistress no longer lives in Salt Lake City, it doesn't make sense for her to keep SLCDominatrix.com as her domain, even if she's had it for 10 years. I experimented with different stage names before I decided on Petra, so my domain registration shows I became active in 2017 even though my first site went live in 2012.

Photos

Look For:

  • Quality. If our images weren't shot by professional photographers, we do our best to make them look like they were. Cropped, blurry, and pixelated photos are a red flag.

  • Variety. We love to show off our vast wardrobe and gear collections. Some of us even have photos with submissives and other Dominas.

  • Location. If we have dungeon access, we'll likely have photos to prove it.

Watch Out For:

  • Blurry, cropped photos. If her images are pixelated or seem excessively cropped, she may have stolen them from another Mistress.

  • Messy backgrounds. No matter where she plays, be it a dungeon or hotel room, her photos should reflect a clean, well-maintained environment.

  • Inconsistent photos. Sure, our appearances change over the years, but I've lost track of the number of photo thieves I've seen attempt to pass off two obviously different Mistresses as one and the same.

  • Inconsistent watermarks. See above. If Mistress Alexa's photos are watermarked as Mistress Violet, then Mistress Alexa probably doesn't exist. There's no reason for a reputable Domina to present herself with inconsistent branding, even if she recently changed her name.

Remember:

  • Privacy concerns impact how a Dominatrix shares photos. She may obscure her face, blur visible tattoos, or avoid posting photos of herself at the dungeon or at play parties. It doesn't mean she's a fraud: many of us have privacy concerns, just like you do.

  • She may utilize paywalls. Some of us keep the exciting stuff, like dungeon selfies or photos with submissives, behind a paywall like a monthly membership site (RIP, OnlyFans).

Social Media

Look For:

  • Active, well-established accounts.

  • A sense of community. We use social media to interact with colleagues, submissives, and fans. While online interactions can't tell the whole truth about a Domina's skill or experience level, they can at least tell you if she's acknowledged among her peers.

  • Selfies. Plenty of us share selfies, which work to provide an intimate look as to what we're doing in the moment and establish how we look compared to our professional, more-heavily edited shots.

  • Tagged photos. Check her Instagram's Tagged Photos tab. If she's been around for awhile, chances are she'll appear there in photos she hasn't posted herself.

Watch Out For:

  • Who they follow. If a Mistress has a relatively new social media presence and mostly follows submissives, something doesn't add up. While many of us enjoy following submissives we know, we typically don't care to clutter our feeds with posts from accounts like CuckSlaveJoe69 who only posts dick pics and has no idea we even exist.

  • Limited image variety. Something's off if a Mistress only posts the same four photos, over and over again.

  • Excessive filters. I enjoy sharing selfies with a cute lil' Snapchat filter here and there, but it's rare for a Mistress to make excessive filters part of her actual branding.

  • Image-dumping. If you notice 28 of a Domina's 34 photos were posted on the same day, do some extra digging. It's not uncommon for catfish accounts to image-dump to make their accounts seem older and more established than they really are.

Remember:

  • Our accounts often get deleted, which can lead to established Mistresses having newer profiles than they otherwise would.

  • Not everyone has an active presence on every platform. The risk of getting our accounts shut down can influence how we use various social media platforms, or if we even use social media at all. Many Mistresses have given up on Instagram completely thanks to frequent deletions.

  • Follower counts don't reflect skill or experience. Red flags are red flags, no matter how many followers a Mistress has.

Clips and Virtual Play

In an increasingly digital world, many of us offer distance domination options like clips and virtual play.


Look For:

  • Active, well-established accounts.

  • Options. Often, those of us who offer virtual play offer multiple services on multiple platforms.

  • Content that matches her interests. If you're curious about a Mistress who offers impact play, she likely has related clips. Buy some to get an idea of her skill and play style.

Watch Out For:

  • Sloppy play in clips. Does she look reasonably skilled in whatever activities she's engaging in, or does it look like she just picked up her first riding crop?

  • Lack of real-time knowledge. No matter how you're interacting with her, your online play with a real-time Mistress should give you the impression she knows her way around a dungeon.

Remember:

  • Not every Dominatrix offers virtual play.

  • Not every Dominatrix films clips. Many reputable Mistresses don't film clips because content creation requires so much effort.

  • Newer accounts are common. The pandemic pushed many of us online for the first time. It's not unreasonable for a Mistress with years of dungeon experience to have a NiteFlirt account established in 2020.

Her Behaviors

Look For:

  • Professionalism and respect. How does she treat you during the booking process?

  • Efficiency. Most Mistresses try to solidify a booking in as few emails as possible, simply because we don't have time to do otherwise.

Watch Out For:

  • Sketchy behavior. We won't agree to make you our collared slave before we've even met, much like we won't agree to castrate you or kick your balls until they rupture.

  • Lack of connection to her interests. We're passionate about BDSM. If she can't discuss what she enjoys about certain activities, it's reasonable to believe she lacks experience or is in the industry only because she assumes it's easy money.

Remember:

  • We have bad days, too. Written communication has downfalls. I'm certainly guilty of getting snappy over email because I misunderstood a potential submissive's intentions.

  • Paywalls are normal. While many of us are happy to answer a question here and there prior to booking, many of us put up paywalls before speaking to submissives in greater detail about a potential session. We do this to protect ourselves from timewasters, not because we're money-hungry monsters.

And, there you have it: a solid starting point for screening your next Dominatrix. Watch out for red flags, and don't let excitement or arousal get in the way of making an educated decision... especially now that you've read this.