How to Talk About Your Interests

Clear communication is by far one of the most important aspects of kink. This should be pretty obvious: after all, without explicit communication from both parties, a session can quickly go badly— or worse, become dangerous. I see a lot of BDSM novices, and while many of them are comfortable talking about their interests, plenty of others have difficulty expressing what kinks and fetishes they'd like to explore. I know first hand from my own kink journey that finding the right words to express your interests can be tricky: many of us aren't used to talking explicitly about taboo topics with strangers, especially if we feel a little bashful about these things to begin with!

Photo by Flesh and Flora Photography. Dallas, Jan. 2020.

Before I continue, I want to emphasize that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being new to BDSM and unsure of how to properly express yourself: we all have to start somewhere! That said, it can sometimes be a tough issue on my end to navigate. BDSM and kink are so nuanced and individualized that there's no “one session fits all” approach I feel comfortable defaulting to. Not everyone wants to be led on a leash and forced to kiss my feet, for example, and not everyone is comfortable with blindfolds or bondage. For this reason, simply telling me you'd like to be dominated isn't as helpful as you may think: after all, you sought out the services of a professional Dominatrix!

While I'm certainly capable of crafting an exciting session despite your possibly-shaky communication skills, I want you to leave my dungeon filled with the same love and respect for BDSM that I have, and this is more likely to happen if you're able to communicate what elements you'd most like to explore. If you're uncertain of how to discuss your interests, my best advice, first and foremost, is to be as blunt as possible during our negotiations at the dungeon prior to play (until then, please keep your emails to me as polite and G-rated as possible!). As a Dominatrix, I'm a professional secret keeper: I promise I'm not judging you for your interests or the way you communicate them to me.

If you find yourself struggling to communicate your desires, or even determining your kinks in the first place, I recommend asking yourself the following questions:

What are your fantasies?

This is a bit of an obvious place to start, but sometimes the hardest part of communicating interests is getting over any mental blocks you have about talking about such taboo things to begin with. Try to become comfortable discussing your fantasies in detail. When you fantasize about being dominated, is it by a strict woman in leather barking orders while you cower at her feet? Do your thoughts turn to being humiliated in front of the beautiful girl next door? Are you fascinated with the idea of being feminized and trained to be the perfect maid? If you still have trouble describing your fantasies, look at what tags are associated with your favorite porn clips to become more familiar with common kinky vocabulary. If you see unfamiliar terms, research them: CBT doesn't always stand for cognitive behavioral therapy.

What type of Dominatrix are you attracted to?

Not all Dominatrices are the same! I can be the stern, stone-cold ice queen and I can also be the bubbly, playful schoolyard bully (on any given day, my natural play style tends to fall somewhere in the middle, with a dash of femme fatale— what a mindfuck, right?). Knowing the type of Dominant you find yourself attracted to can say so much: if you tell me you're attracted to a stern Dominatrix, for example, that tells me you may be more interested in being given strict rules to follow under threat of harsh punishment. Likewise, if you tell me you're attracted to a more playful Dominatrix, that tells me you may be more interested in being mocked and teased— perhaps more interested in playing games rigged against you, or more interested in engaging in witty banter with me while I do dirty, kinky things to you.

Photo by Alexandra Kacha. Los Angeles, Dec. 2019.

What feelings are you hoping to experience?

If you're still not entirely sure about what you're interested in, describing the feelings you're hoping to achieve during the session can be just as helpful. Do you want to feel helpless? If so, that lets me know you may be interested in bondage and sensory deprivation. Do you want to feel encouraged and nurtured— validated, even? If so, that lets me know you likely have a different set of needs and interests than someone looking to feel shamed for their desires.

What are your limits?

Personally, I think knowing what you're not interested in is just as important— if not moreso! —than knowing what piques your interests. Suppose you don't know where to start when describing your kinks: do you at least know of activities you're not interested in at all? If you know for a fact you're not interested in feminization, for example, then I know not to stick you in lipstick and panties— in fact, we should avoid my sissy room all together!

These questions are a great place to start, but please don't fret if they don't help you. I'll still be happy to session with you, so don't let this stop you from experiencing BDSM. After all, the best way to truly determine your interests is through first-hand experience.